90s heavy metal, Beowulf and Sunflower seeds...

Perfect combo! For some reason, I have needed the energy from heavy metal music to get me to type. It's crazy! I've been enjoying some Metallica, Megadeth, White Zombie, Godsmack, Ministry, Helmet, Danzig, Alice in Chains, System of a down, POD, even some NIN and Tool thrown in for good measure. Oh, and of course some Rage Against the Machine and Drowning Pool. /shrug

If I and Aspen were still roomies, she'd be kicking me heheheh As it is, D comes over here and .. lol... he says it doesn't even sound like music. I guess the beat and the energy is all I look for... and maybe some of those lyrics from constant listening. Yay, Rammstein came on - back to work I go!

Oh and.. LOL I found this last night linked off of a classics video clips site: Old School Disney Video that must have scared the bejeezies of those poor kids! hehe I can just imagine the dropped jaws and wide eyes in the health classroom. Those funny cartoon characters are so.. so.. EVIL - bad touch, bad touch!!

Oh, also I had the craziest dream last night!
I went to this huge mansion where it had two LARGE levels and then two more stories above, half the size as the lower parts. I was visiting a friend and we started running around exploring - it was an old place with tons of windows and spooky rooms. We finally realized the place was haunted on account of the elevator that brings us up to the 3rd and 4th level. There was some wierd stuff going on. However, my friend was having a party in the backyard and so we were down there for a while while people went in and out. At one time I went to find a bathroom and I ended up finding the LARGEST shower area ever, there were showers in a sort of wierd maze like area and I brough some others in to look too. When I got to the elevator, I and a few others went up, about a dozen of us. We got to the 4th level and it was a huge room with tables all set up as if it had been a restaurant. The windows were very dingy and for some reason we decided to stay there.

We all chose some tables next to the windows and suddenly the ghosts started just coming out and being all scary - one guy was all bubbly and had an eyeball in his mouth and he could see out of it (i am assuming he had burned and it slowly dripped down to cover his mouth) - I know, greusome, but just telling you what I can remember-. We all got scared and the people at my table all held hands and when one ghost came sleazing past from a black window on my right I got totally peeved and slammed my fist into the glass. I was still holding the hand of the person across from me when I started screaming and then was surprised to see EVERYONE in the room become very very very old. I remember feeling the wrinkles in her hand. The ghost that had passed around me earlier looked right at me and I was yelling at everyone, asking why they were all old and why I hadn't changed.

The ghost told me that I wasn't one of the living people in the room, that I was a ghost and when I looked at the blacked out window I realized that for some reason in the past when I was alive, I had been the one to break it. The woman still holding my hand told me to get out of the house, that i wasn't safe and I needed to find a way out. Well, I suddenly realized I was trapped in the house by the other spirits and I searched for a way out. Everything turned into a blur of running and all I can say is that eventually I got out of the house, but I had nowhere to go because I would cease to exist because no one would know I was there. In the house, the older women had known who i was and knew where to find me, but out in the woods, away from recognition, I slowly became nothing and thats the end of the dream.

Talk about wierd - I hadn't had one of those kinds of movie-like dreams in a while. I did enjoy enacting it all out, I know for a fact that I was talking in my sleep hehe I can sort of remember being very vocal and talkative.

So many symbols lol

I checked out an astrology thing on MSN - don't usually do this, but it sure was interesting.

Me

Pisces (February 18 - March 19) is the mutable water sign, and is dreamy,
imaginative and otherworldly. Associated with: religious teacher, monk/nun or a
photographer; fish; Dolphin; Neptune; red-violet; poppy; pearl; number twelve;
feet, toes, lymph, glands; and the setting is a cathedral.

- Not sure if this is anything that I have dreamt... the setting of my last dream was cathedral-like, but was more or less set in my school basement/tunnels. And my cat, Bear, was following me around as a kitten and we were running into all sorts of people down there.
D

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 20) is the mutable fire sign, and is
adventurous, curious and wise. Associated with: hunters, horseback riders, and
explorers; archery; Centaur; Jupiter; blue; Rush; Jacinth; number nine; hips,
thighs, arteries, base of spine, pelvis; and the place is around a campfire.

- Heheh, not sure about dreams, but he does play a ranger in GW. Back hurts off and on too - poor guy.
Aspen

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) is the fixed water sign and is introverted,
intense, and magnetic. Associated with: grim reaper; dark figures, an exotic
person; Scorpion; Eagle; Phoenix; Mars; Pluto; blue-green; Cactus; Turquoise;
number eight; bladder, genitals, colon, prostate, uterus, sex organs; and the
setting would be a bedroom.

- LOL whooohooo Aspen.... she is exotic in her quest of New Zealand... and Cactus sounds like TX.... but the rest of that /wolf whistle hehehehe
Mom

Aries (March 20 - April 18) is the cardinal fire sign and is active, dynamic and
action oriented. Associated with: soldiers, angry people and athletes; the Ram;
the Owl; Mars; red; Tiger Lily; Ruby; number one; head, brain, eyes, face,
teeth; and the dream is set in a stadium.

- The beginning of this sounds like mom to the T. She is so active!

oooOOOOooo

HOODY TIME...
da da da da... duh dah duh dah... Hoody time...
[sung to 'hammer time']

Just goes to show

Nothing ever stays the same. Its sad to see glaciers go, but then its not like we can stop time and decide change is bad.

Wrote. Write.Writing.

Thesis Writing

pages of writing

I write for an audience

I wrote non-stop

and I an writing through the last days in the dorms

I will miss writing in my little box

The box I have written in for 6 years

I hate writing poetry

Heheheh

bah

Well cool, I wrote an arrow

I found it first

Heres a Cuteness Overload

So stressed out

One meeting and suddenly I feel as if the walls are closing in.

I have 2 chapters fully written (not fully editted yet) and the others are still in progress. This means only about 37 pages written out of 100 or so? There are 6 weeks left.

Mom wants me to go to Fargo for her birthday this weekend - I just packed my bag. I want to go. I should not, for the love of all that is holy, go. I don't have the time to go gallavanting around Fargo. I want to see my brother and sister-in-law. But, I don't have the time. I just don't.

Why am I packed then? I listened to a message left by mom and she is so excited that we are going. She has to go for her BE stuff.. and wont be there saturday... sunday we have to come right back so I can go to work.

I need to stay home and write all weekend - like I did with MC's comp test. I need to just give in and say - I can't go. Im so sorry mom, I want to but I shouldn't.

That leaves me with 2 choices: Blow off the weekend with half-hearted trying at writing or make my room into study central and ONLY have my paper going, unplug the internet.. ignore D, unplug the phone and .. go yell at the guy blasting his music so loud that my right arm is bouncing around on my flipping counter... stupid ppl... GRRRRRR.. but back to my previous thought... i need to write write write, edit edit edit.

So I stop thinking about it now

Tomorrow:

• Shower/dress
• Wash Clothes
• Eat breakfast
  
• Clean room a bit
• Call AB and AM about numbers
• Call SH about letter
• Gather together materials for other job applications
• Write up a draft of my Teaching Philosophy
• Edit Chapter 2 of thesis - its 17 pgs, hooray!
• Eat Lunch
• Edit Teaching Philosophy
• Edit Chapter 2 some more
• Take half hour break for nap
• Edit some more on Teaching Philosphy
• Take break and eat with D for dinner
• Go to work at 5:45pm
• Edit both papers all night
• Maybe bring a movie for needed break for rest of night

Friday:

• Shower/Dress
• Go to lunch with D and Aspen
• Work on thesis a bit more
• Talk to SH - letters
• Have lunch meeting with DE
• Hand in my chapter(s)
• Mail off my Application Packets - overnight, they are due 27th (monday)!
• Head back to dorm
  
• Pack
• Goof off until D is home
• Meet up with Mom
• Head to Fargooooooo - Which means Saturday is sleeping on floor, shopping, eating, and shooting the breeze with my brother and sister-in-law =) Oh, and buy mom gift for B-Day
  

Note to self

Write your flippin' thesis!
no... dont play Guild Wars
no... don't play MapleStory
no... don't take a nap
no... you can try your new game later
no... don't watch TV
no... don't go shopping
no... don't read a book
no... you got over the cold

just imagine... thesis could be done... could be editting and not worrying... could be working on other papers... could be playing games without guilt!!! hehe

List for tomorrow/Tuesday

1. 9am - shower
2. Eat breakfast
3. Write some chapter for Thesis
4. Noon-Oil Change at Kenny's
5. Read Troilus book for class
6. Call Applebees and Amigo for numbers
7. 6-9pm -Class Troilus
8. Thesis writing
9. Guild Wars? =)

Menohmenah

The BEST thing in the world - love it!
http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html?v=e49460f9qttn9J
dooo. dooo do do... menohmenah... do do do do!

My recent list

1. get up at 9
2. shower/dress
3. See D at 10:30am, then eat lunch with Aspen at 11-12
4. Talk to DE about thesis
5. Ask for more letters from DE, MC and SH
6. Head back to room
7. Clean a bit
8. Call about job-letter
9. Give new signs to RA's for Assassins - make sure paperwork is at front desk
10. Call Applebees and Amigo for Numbers
11. Call Bills friend about key
12. Stop at bank with monies
13. Mail Bill his thesis stuff
14. E-Mail Hall Council People
15. Make agenda for meeting
16. Work on thesis chapter for DE
17. Meeting at 9pm - no hall-wide until next week
18. Check out schedule for Ir's days off at end of semester

PSSSST

I just turned 27, 23 minutes ago!


Uhmmm... yeap, that's it hehe - will be still writing my thesis tomorrow - up to 28 pages now - rough draftish

A quote of the day, VIA Thesis

"Mind this, Bergthora," said Hallgerda, "that we shall meet again." - Burnt Njal Saga

Sends shivers down my back. Talk about threat and heat just searing from one eye to the next between these two. If you know what this is from, good for you! These women had backbones and cunning minds - but just not much fear of other's or their own lives (common sense?).

Reprieve through cold??

Well, I have been sick, sick, sick the past couple days. I would sleep all day and then stay up for about half hour to an hour and then back to bed. Today, I feel a bit better but now am thinking I have a lot of e-mails and catching up to do and that's overwhelming. Especially since I am still bone-weary and I have horrible sinuses atm.

Thanks to aspen for her post about Tolkien satire - love it. No tears, but I did giggle a lot. :-)

I have a fishy staying over with me this week when one of my neighbors are gone for spring break. He's sitting here looking at me... he has the plant connectd to the vase and he is resting in the roots - wonder if my fishy would like to have one of those vases again.

Just got back from Country Kitchen with D and Aspen - totally worn out - so I am going to head back to bed and perhaps be better tonight.

Hope rises

I woke up, chewed 3 nails down to the quick (only done this when im VERY upset or nervous) and struggled with the Teaching Philosophy until about 11am. Finally read through the job application needs for the two that are due tomorrow and they didnt want the philosophy, just a letter of interest. WHEW. I dropped the philosophy thing for now and just did a nice, clean rewrite on a letter i wrote for the ARHD position. I then picked up D/E and we went to the post office, dropped off the envelopes and then went to lunch at Raphael's Bakery (Which is actually really good!).

Now, I came back, cleaned up my room (it was BAD... thats what stress does to me - I don't throw up, my room does... hehe) and now am contemplating a nap...

However, i feel good about my life still. I can stick nearer to home, work as a teacher and still be connected to the college - just not taking classes at that time. Maybe that is what is needed and I can just keep that "ultimate goal" in my thoughts as I turn 27 this next week... yes... 27. So close to 30, I can taste it.

Heartburn sucks - st00pid stress - maybe will take that nap.

My cousin is going to come visit me! Yaaaay!

My I-Mood

I just changed my imood - from "loved" to "deflated". I had changed it to "love" on March 14, 2005 and hadn't needed to change it since. That's what D does for me. However, since I have been sitting in the library thinking through this in utter silence for 6 hours (wish I hadn't read the email before work, sigh) I have lost a lot of the puff and been going up and down a lot.

I feel overwhelmed. Aspen threw a rope towards me, that helped some - and D was trying to help me in the 3 seconds I had before I had to leave for work - but its still all me - something *I* have to do and its going to be difficult. But I am willing to bet it will be exciting and that imood is going to be changed as soon as I figure things out.

The one thing that could come from this is that I may not have to live 4+ hours away from those I love. I would have been torn and dying inside and I know it. It may have been a good experience and it definitely would have helped me in my job-goals. But, teaching college english is what I want to do - why should I wait another 4 years, maybe it IS high-time to start teaching again and get in there.

Perhaps there is something to "Beware the Ides of March!"

We regret to inform you...

What a devestating phrase to those of us who were depending on this opportunity in order to achieve that "ultimate goal" (as mentioned in the description of my blog). Is my goal gone? no... just on hiatus. I can wait and see what may happen with the other application letters, but I plan on taking control of my life and not waiting another second to see if someone deems me worthy. I know I can do whatever is put before me, and if this includes having me work for a few years and later getting my P.h.d., so be it. Time to do some serious interviewing - I refuse to go to college for 9 years and end up working in retail.

But, the agony of defeat is so sour - I had to go and read that darn email right before work. Ah well - I seem to be taking it pretty well... I've already passed the self-pity, the mourning of a dream, the anger, and now am stuck in my indignation - ohyes, the pride is still intact.

PS. this post it totaly unrelated to the one before - the anger thing.

List of life

• Get over disappointment
• Supdate Resume
• Type up a letter of interest
• Beg for 3 letters of recommendtions
• Type up a statement of my teaching philosophy.... (any help on this would be appreciated)
• Find my transcripts left over from Phd apps
• Print out my Vita
• Talk to Susan about options
• Look for summer job
• begin looking for apartments - preferably w/pets allowed - need my Bear
  
• Finish thesis this month
• Finish my paperwork
• write paper for DE (Troilus)
• Talk to Rose about comp test
• Write DE's comp test
• Celebrate completion of MC's comp - yay!
• Stop blogging and do this stuff
  

Anger dissipates..

as quickly as the clear skies around here. Bad analogy, but im tired today hehe
So, we have a blizzard, and yet my window is literally wide open and its a soft cool breeze coming in, and i can hear the bundles of flakes sift to the ground, a very soothing sound.

I was the angriest I ever have been in my whole life today. It was shocking - I had no idea. I was actually shaking, in a rage, burning holes into anything near me and ready to take it out on anyone. Since I am a pretty peaceable person, I took it out in a letter and shoved 5 years of repressed emotions into one piece that wrung me out like an used sponge. I had frayed edges and wanted to just cry afterwards/ But, I just ate and decided that id spent enough time being angry and now am enjoying my night off of class. I have a meeting tmorrow with D/E and so I am procrastinating that... by blogging.

But, once I get this out of the way, I can get on with my work. MMM coffee is good for a headache and tired body.

Aya-Library-Midnight

Hehe there is my usual nightly MSN name when I am working.

I was sitting the last 2 hours editing through my chapter of 'gracious hostess' for my thesis... now Im sitting on the stool and trying to read my handwriting scribbled between lines when I suddenly leaned in close enough to be able to tell what music was surrepticiously playing from my headphones under the desk. "Ghostbusters"!! I started singing and just wiggling all over - love those little surprises that life can throw your way.

That movie had been my favorite when I was little. I can remember planting myself in front of the TV for a long day of ghostbuster watching. I would play, hit rewind, and play again. Over and over, until someone else wanted to see something. I guess it was probably a good babysitter. I had grandiose dreams of marrying Peter Venkman and dressing like Dana Barrett. I loved the movie and I obsessed about it like a 5-6 year old only can.

This wasn't the same love I had for Mr. Rogers... or yes, even Michael Jackson (the pre-'scary' version). Oh yes, I even stacked my books the way the ghost librarian did in the movie.

But, that childhood is gone, but the love of the movie is still there. I watched it with D a couple weeks ago and I found myself still laughing and dreaming. Ah, got to love the 80s.

A list is all I have energy for

• I like hockey.. KAPOW
• Mom has made a good choice
• I need to go to bed around midnight from now on, not 2am- went to bed at midnight last night and I feel better than I usually do
• I made an ankle bracelet with D's mom
• I now know how to put up a slatted wooden ceiling - and loved the look
• Im tired
• Im procrastinating on thesis as I type - it's hand written in front of me, waiting for me to click on Word - but I accidentally clicked on IE. heheh
• I still want to see the movie this weekend
• I need coffee and food

Geez, even MSN is telling me I'm slackin'!

Pisces

February 18 - March 19

Get your head out of the clouds, dear Pisces. You will find that nitpicky details you failed to attend to earlier are now coming back to haunt you. Do not postpone your work any further. The time to take care of the job is now. Balance your checkbook and do your laundry. Clean your bathtub and go shopping. The more you accomplish today, the better you will feel about yourself tomorrow.

Heheh this is me in a nutshell - 'cept shopping is bad... very bad ehehe - my nitpicky details aren't being done and its a sort of ... ignorant bliss. It's the waiting I am doing:

• Was I accepted to UM? Do I still want to leave everyone behind
  
• Will I get a job? a fun one
  
• Will I have a place to stay? If I left
• Will I have enough money? bleh
  
• Am I ready to leave? I may be 27 this march, but im still 13 sometimes
  
• Will my thesis be written in time? damn right it will grrrrr
• Will my thesis have a point? oh cripes, I hope so
• Will I get all that paperwork done?
• Will my mom be ok?
• Will I be worthy enough to get a Phd? Do I know enough? Do I feel like I belong there? Oh good lord - I need to learn a LOT more than I do now. Shouldn't I feel like I own the world? That confidence thing? I seem to only have specialized knowledge and still don't know everything about that... /blah #2
  

Scared me to death

ok, 2am and im like listening to the preview with my nose almost to the screen when /BANG. you'll know what im talking about when you watch this. I want to see this SO bad! Nightwatch -new epic/horror trilogy oooOOOOooo gimme gimme gimme

The following is quoted from the main site "Story":

For as long as humanity has existed, there have been "Others" among us;
Witches, Vampires and Shape-Shifters who are soldiers in the eternal war between
Light and Dark.
Light Others protect mankind from Dark Others, who plague and
torture humans.
Over 1000-years ago a truce was struck between Gesser, Lord
of the Light, and Zavulon, General of Darkness. They agreed that no one could be
forced to good or evil, people must choose freely for themselves. To uphold this
truce, each side established underground forces; the soldiers of the Light would
be called Night Watch, making sure Dark Others obeyed the truce. And the
soldiers of Darkness would be called Day Watch, to do the same.
Ancient
prophecy foretells that one day the Great One will arrive who can end the threat
of an apocalyptic battle between Light and Dark Others. That day has come, and
the Great One, once he or she is identified, must choose whether to destroy the
light within or battle the surrounding darkness. This choice will reveal
mankind's destiny.
1992:Anton Gordesky, a broken-hearted man, desperate to
win back his fiancée, seeks out the black magic services of a witch. This Dark
Other, about to use her magic for evil, is arrested by the Night Watch moments
before for completing her spell. The cataclysmic event awakens Anton to discover
that he is an Other. Now he must choose whether to become a protector of light
or warrior of darkness.
Today:Somewhere on the streets of Moscow the "Great
One" wanders, oblivious to his or her powers. Anton, along with his Night Watch
team, race to find and protect the Great One from Zavulon and his Day Watch
vampires who seek to plunge the world into darkness. Whoever reaches the Great
One first will hold the balance of power in their hands and control the fate of
humanity.
NIGHT WATCH (NOCHNOI DOZOR) is the first installment of a trilogy
based on the best-selling Russian sci-fi novels of Sergei Lukyanenko (which also
includes Day Watch and Dusk Watch). This visionary horror fantasy film features
a dazzling mix of mind-blowing effects, adrenaline-fuelled action and
suspenseful terror.
NIGHT WATCH (NOCHNOI DOZOR) was an instant smash hit in
its native Russia when it was released in July 2004 shattering all previous box
office records. Made for a mere $4 million, the film surpassed both LORD OF THE
RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING and SPIDER-MAN 2 at the Russian box office.
Internationally acclaimed, it was also Russia's contender for the 2004 foreign
language Oscar® award.

I should be doing my thesis

Note to self:

Do your thesis! DO EEEET! Stop goofing off!!!

This message brought to you by a grad student who has drive issues - someone who is denying that it is in fact March and she *should* be graduating in May. A Grad student who only has ONE Comp test done and should do the second ASAP and then look for that elusive third. A grad student who is going to start having tummy cramps worse and worse as each day goes by. If this had been a real emergency, the following Agonizing soundsof worry and moaning/b*tching would have been followed by the choking laughter of someone on the edge of reasoning. Thank you for your patronage. Would you like fries with that? Carry On! Make it work! Doo beee dooo... yup, its gone.

Maybe I'll go write about the welcomer of my thesis chapters.... that may work.

I hafta blog this...

I was talking to one of the other girls about schoolwork and she had some interesting books sitting on the counter (all about medical subjects). One in particular caught my eye, not because of its subject, but the implications of its aesthetic properties. Check this out:


The Merck Manual is a dictionary of medical terms (from what I understood) This has some interesting rhetorical properties, don't you think? Even the paper is a lot like that thin paper found in the bible. Now, I am not one to talk about religion on my blog, so I will leave that alone. But, I just found the whole situation thought provoking. Science/Medicine vs God...

Of course, I could do a search and probably find other books that look just as similar - maybe its cheaper to make it that way and so they are bound in the same fashion - but I enjoyed wondering what this meant... The old vs the new, or maybe a sort of truce that has been on for ages... a tenuous truce at best. Or am I just too behind and ignorant of the issues today - whatever they may be?

One Comp down...

...two to go. A thank you goes out to Dr. MC for working with me and getting back to me so quickly!

I'll look at posting it on the web for others to check out - along with live links of where I got the information. It was a fascinating subject.. to say the least!

No pictures for the post this time. I'm working tonight so I plan on typing up some pretty good drafts of my thesis chapter - I think I need to think of each chapter as a paper in itself and just write a seperate thesis statement for each in order to feel like I can do this. We'll see after tnight if it's successful.