Something is wrong... I'm not sure what.
Tonight, I sat on my couch and studied my German verbs... a normal occurence on a Thursday night and I found that I couldn't concentrate, everyone talking or walking by was distracting me and that I felt trapped. I haven't had that feeling in a long time - and I don't like it.
So, about 2 mins ago, I closed and locked my door, threw on pajamas, turned off the lights and washed my face. I feel better. But... my mind is blank.
Why can't I get myself to go farther than I should... why am I stuck doing the midiocre ? I used to be an overachiever! Why do I sleep in until 10am every morning and still need a nap at about 1 or 2? Why can't I get up early and go jogging? Am I lazy? Sick? Depressed? I don't think so.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, my family is well and I am well loved and my friends are all around me. I have a great floor to live on...
Maybe it's the fact that I push and try and study and cry and work my ass off to try and pass my German and I can't seem to get past an F on any of my tests. I honestly H A V E been studying and understanding. But, if you look at my tests and compare them to my self-tests (I do about 4 self tests based off all of our previous homework) you would think there were two different people! Sure, I could suck at tests, but this is ridiculous. I am better than this, I know it, but I can't prove it to my professor. And this frustrates the hell out of me. I am a hard worker, dammit, and my scores aren't showing it.
/sigh
Well, maybe that will help. I think this is what is really bothering me.
That, and my laziness. Stupid sleep - let me wake up and *DO* something in a day! C'mon! Time to put my alarm clock far away from the bed and get my workout clothes out onto the couch every night. Maybe this will help. I *need* to get outside and get rid of the cabin fever.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
A list and some thoughts
To Do
- German worksheet, workbook, reading, memorizing, and pushing
- Snuggle up D when he gets home /miss
- No Hall Council tonight!
- Plan my class for tomorrow
- Grade some papers
- Work on paper for lotR/Beow
- Play Bards Tale with my awesome new controller!
- Reply to Swatted Cat when done musing
Wonderful weekend was had at my mom's house. I, D, Aspen, J, my brother, his wife, and mom played games all evening and night and had a great lazy Saturday. Sunday, we had the family over and had a converged B-Day with me and mom and Easter.
I and everyone else in the house, took a nap after we ate and slowly people started to go back home at about 4pm. I have tons of homework that I haven't gotten to yet (as seen above) and I just finished putting away my stuff and cleaning, setting up my PS2 and TV (TV is now fixed!) and getting my homework set out as if I'm about to begin it.
Mom dropped off flowers yesterday for the families at Red Lake that she works with. I believe that helped resolve some of her feelings of the incident. The poor thing was shooken up and I think the whole family is - we listened to her story and she could have easily gone into the door that would run into him if she hadn't gone in through the back. But, not going to dwell on it any longer.
Off to go do homework!
Happy Easter!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
A Sad Monday
My mom is fine, thanks for all those that asked after her. She just tells us there was a lot of blood at Red Lake that day and of course, my whole family had assumed the worse during the ordeal.
But, my mom is here, at home, and I stayed with her last night to keep her calm and to field the phone calls.
But, my mom is here, at home, and I stayed with her last night to keep her calm and to field the phone calls.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Ugh!
Well, good things and bad things
First, I had to bother poor S about the GAship again because the Dpt. of English wanted my last word on whether I would do another GAship here or go on. I came back from lunch with D and i called Stu and apprently he sent in my paperwork because of my e-mail and we need to pray and cross fingers that it will all go through.
I told the S in English that I was going to the library, but she said that I could keep in mind that there are 2 other positions that I could go for if my other still doesn't go through. Whew!
Large hugs go toward Renee - she is always welcome to crash at my place anytime!
I tried using a chat program in my class today. GAH! It went off well... nobody panicked - at first. I accidentally banned someone at one point - had to make them another name and password... and then I had planned on copying and pasting the chat into the wiki - but it wasn't going to do this, so I told them to scroll and look at their chat and find the info they needed. Well... on account of the chat not showing much more than about 100 lines, half their discussion was missing. So... I threw up my hands and told them to go ahead and try to remember what they had talked about and put it into the wiki page for their group and leave it at that. I am very happy, though, we went through symbolism and talked about how they can be used in lit and they knew all the answers in a fashion! Yay!
now, I sit in my office and think of everything I need to do... definitely need to grade some papers. But, I want to make more comics.... hehehe /sigh
First, I had to bother poor S about the GAship again because the Dpt. of English wanted my last word on whether I would do another GAship here or go on. I came back from lunch with D and i called Stu and apprently he sent in my paperwork because of my e-mail and we need to pray and cross fingers that it will all go through.
I told the S in English that I was going to the library, but she said that I could keep in mind that there are 2 other positions that I could go for if my other still doesn't go through. Whew!
Large hugs go toward Renee - she is always welcome to crash at my place anytime!
I tried using a chat program in my class today. GAH! It went off well... nobody panicked - at first. I accidentally banned someone at one point - had to make them another name and password... and then I had planned on copying and pasting the chat into the wiki - but it wasn't going to do this, so I told them to scroll and look at their chat and find the info they needed. Well... on account of the chat not showing much more than about 100 lines, half their discussion was missing. So... I threw up my hands and told them to go ahead and try to remember what they had talked about and put it into the wiki page for their group and leave it at that. I am very happy, though, we went through symbolism and talked about how they can be used in lit and they knew all the answers in a fashion! Yay!
now, I sit in my office and think of everything I need to do... definitely need to grade some papers. But, I want to make more comics.... hehehe /sigh
Saturday, March 19, 2005
wow, spring break...
That week went way too fast. Too many nights trying to scrounge for food and looking for something to do. Too much "Oh, I'll get to that later". Not when it's your Birthday!
Well, the Birthday went wonderfully, I am now 26! I feel all full and sassy from all that cake. Mostly feeling fat- but that comes with the territory of letting yourself eat cake on your birthday.
Thanks again for all my friends for coming to see me and all the lovely presents!
I have another comic posted, one that shows my angst: and so my next to do wish list is nigh:
- Plan Week of class
- Grade at least 10
- organize paperwork for LotR/Beo
- Make outline for above
- Go to Mom's for my stuff
- replant orchid
- Do checkbook
- Print out bills for bank
- vacuum room (pretty dirty in here!)
- Make David a B-Day sign!
- Plan a floor activity for this coming week
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
...College Life Comic... has been Born!
Yep! Let's see if I can keep it up!
So excited to have found the right programs (thanks to Aspen and some elbow grease on my edits!)
I have begun to post some of the comics on my new site, you can see a sneak preview from the thumbnail below.
So excited to have found the right programs (thanks to Aspen and some elbow grease on my edits!)
I have begun to post some of the comics on my new site, you can see a sneak preview from the thumbnail below.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Ugh
I'm sitting in Moose a Brew waiting for Jeremy to finish up his dentist appt.
I was fine for a while, but then two vocal guys sit next to me on the other laptop and begin talking about the game he Dl'ed... something to do with killing and shotguns (typical) and they were both trying to sound cool for me, i think. And so I got to sit and listen to "ohhhh duuuude... that things huge..." blah blah blah.
Annoying to say the least.
I was fine for a while, but then two vocal guys sit next to me on the other laptop and begin talking about the game he Dl'ed... something to do with killing and shotguns (typical) and they were both trying to sound cool for me, i think. And so I got to sit and listen to "ohhhh duuuude... that things huge..." blah blah blah.
Annoying to say the least.
Shoot
I just got up. I missed D for breakfast. But, I did wake up to the morning trumpet call.. I was dreaming and in that dream someone was playing it. I have no idea!
But, now to go shower and clean up my room a bit.
But, now to go shower and clean up my room a bit.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
The in-between
Yes, it sucks. But, alas... 'tis always the doom.
Tired, spent the afternoon and evening with D, went to my Mom's house and visited with her and she made D and I a dinner that she hadn't made me since I was little. I feel very guilty for not having seen my mom in so long - she is going crazy with worries and I haven't even bothered calling her for extensive chats. This is going to change. She is my mother and she is at the top of the list. My well being, D, Mom/family/close family, School, friends... that's about right. I just need to keep these priorities right - otherwise my balance gets overthrown. I try to please too many at once and it drives me crazy. I have been doing my best to do what *I* want for a change instead of thrusting it onto others or going along for the ride, and it has worked most of the time, but I don't think I have gotten rid of the wishy washyness totally yet. My goal heheh - balancing the forces of people in my life. I am me, hear me roar! I love all the people around me!
When I was with T (about 5-7 years ago) I didn't like being told what I could or couldn't do, or was given guilt for doing something he didn't like. I allowed myself to be what he envisioned me to be and now that he is out of my life I enjoy being in charge of myself and meeting the different people.
D has been one of the most true, honest, and loving person I have run into - just like what I look for in best friends. He may tickle me a lot, but he does so to make me laugh. He makes me smile when he looks sleepy in the morning, when he lets me make plans and he just says "ok" after suggestions, and when he chases me down the hallway after petting my pet fish with his fingers because I find it gross when he wipes it on me. He makes the week fun.
He is quickly becoming a part of my life in many ways. Too much girly talk about the boyfriend... so back to my Sunday...
D and I got back at around 9pm and popped in a movie and snuggled the rest of the night. Perfect. I am hoping to get up with him and have breakfast before he goes to work and then maybe taking a nap - to then wake and see if Aspen is still up for company.
Tired, spent the afternoon and evening with D, went to my Mom's house and visited with her and she made D and I a dinner that she hadn't made me since I was little. I feel very guilty for not having seen my mom in so long - she is going crazy with worries and I haven't even bothered calling her for extensive chats. This is going to change. She is my mother and she is at the top of the list. My well being, D, Mom/family/close family, School, friends... that's about right. I just need to keep these priorities right - otherwise my balance gets overthrown. I try to please too many at once and it drives me crazy. I have been doing my best to do what *I* want for a change instead of thrusting it onto others or going along for the ride, and it has worked most of the time, but I don't think I have gotten rid of the wishy washyness totally yet. My goal heheh - balancing the forces of people in my life. I am me, hear me roar! I love all the people around me!
When I was with T (about 5-7 years ago) I didn't like being told what I could or couldn't do, or was given guilt for doing something he didn't like. I allowed myself to be what he envisioned me to be and now that he is out of my life I enjoy being in charge of myself and meeting the different people.
D has been one of the most true, honest, and loving person I have run into - just like what I look for in best friends. He may tickle me a lot, but he does so to make me laugh. He makes me smile when he looks sleepy in the morning, when he lets me make plans and he just says "ok" after suggestions, and when he chases me down the hallway after petting my pet fish with his fingers because I find it gross when he wipes it on me. He makes the week fun.
He is quickly becoming a part of my life in many ways. Too much girly talk about the boyfriend... so back to my Sunday...
D and I got back at around 9pm and popped in a movie and snuggled the rest of the night. Perfect. I am hoping to get up with him and have breakfast before he goes to work and then maybe taking a nap - to then wake and see if Aspen is still up for company.
Friday, March 11, 2005
A promising Friday
I woke up to a phone call... noticed my caller ID said it was mom and cheerfully answered. 7:30am... me, awake... cheerful... WTH?! Well, she was sounding chipper too so we chatted for a few minutes,told her about Spring Break being this next week and how I'd be staying with her off and on. She is so excited! As am I. So, we made a few plans and I should see her tonight if the plans to go see My Fair Lady at the Paul Bunyan Playhouse go through.
I then took a shower and got dressed under an hour! Hehehe quite an achievement. Walked with a resident to the academic buildings and sat in my office with a hot breakfast and studied German more (I'd spent a good 12+ hours on this section). I had an Eureka moment and went to the test feeling secure and confident.
I whipped through those questions like a beaver through War and Peace! I came out shaking with giddyness and Daryk could tell when he walked into my office that I was excited and relieved. I *hope* I did well... but you never know.
Then, I ran into a professor in the hall (she is the current chair of the department) and she told me to go ahead and put my name in for the teaching GA just in case my GA in another department fell through. That gave me a VERY fuzzy feeling - they want me back! They like me! Yay! So, I told her I'd email the person in charge my intention of interest in that and we will wait and see what happens.
Had lunch with Jer and D. Nasty plane jane potatoe thingy, but the sherbet was good.
I am now digesting in my office and listening to the new Music Station that Jer showed me. Very chilly music for studying. It's an all technoey kind of Digitally Imported stations.
To do during Break:
* Spend the night at moms house at least once. (Sunday night?)
* Check the rooms on my floor and Tra's floor for windows by Monday Morning
* Take in my car to be fixed
* Make a place for me to post my comics.
* try out Photoshop for making comics
* Find a drawing pad
* Go to my grandmas for a couple days and visit
* Work on my LotR / Beowulf paper
* Grade my student's papers
* Update the blog's looks
* Work on Bill's thesis this weekend
* go Skiing!!!!
* Have a great birthday!
I then took a shower and got dressed under an hour! Hehehe quite an achievement. Walked with a resident to the academic buildings and sat in my office with a hot breakfast and studied German more (I'd spent a good 12+ hours on this section). I had an Eureka moment and went to the test feeling secure and confident.
I whipped through those questions like a beaver through War and Peace! I came out shaking with giddyness and Daryk could tell when he walked into my office that I was excited and relieved. I *hope* I did well... but you never know.
Then, I ran into a professor in the hall (she is the current chair of the department) and she told me to go ahead and put my name in for the teaching GA just in case my GA in another department fell through. That gave me a VERY fuzzy feeling - they want me back! They like me! Yay! So, I told her I'd email the person in charge my intention of interest in that and we will wait and see what happens.
Had lunch with Jer and D. Nasty plane jane potatoe thingy, but the sherbet was good.
I am now digesting in my office and listening to the new Music Station that Jer showed me. Very chilly music for studying. It's an all technoey kind of Digitally Imported stations.
To do during Break:
* Spend the night at moms house at least once. (Sunday night?)
* Check the rooms on my floor and Tra's floor for windows by Monday Morning
* Take in my car to be fixed
* Make a place for me to post my comics.
* try out Photoshop for making comics
* Find a drawing pad
* Go to my grandmas for a couple days and visit
* Work on my LotR / Beowulf paper
* Grade my student's papers
* Update the blog's looks
* Work on Bill's thesis this weekend
* go Skiing!!!!
* Have a great birthday!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Deutsch Tag!
Seriously, tons of homework to do. Worksheet (hard), memorize 16 verbs and conjugations (16x5=Gross Mal), two workbook pages front and back which are reading and writing essays. I graded yesterday and finished up today - should have them ready for my class tomorrow.
TV gone all wonky - several colors all over the place with a large black and white center.
time to cook!
TV gone all wonky - several colors all over the place with a large black and white center.
time to cook!
Friday, March 04, 2005
A great Friday!!
I am on duty - but so far, my friday has been kicking hiney!
I have some Prodigy blasting from my stereo and I am as hyper and going crrrraaaazy. Techno rocks! Voodoo People - The Prodigy Music For The Jilted G... (1995).
Got home and D talked me into going Skiing. I wasn't really up for it, but since his sister was going, figured I'd go and hang out. But, she had some friends there and one of them used to teach her friends how to ski in Colorado. THANK YOU! She gave me so many pointers and I was swooshing those hills like a pro! Well... mediocre pro... but cool enough for me to go down that one hill that had made me cry the last time I went. I went right down that hill and felt in control. YAY!
It is Fridaytoo! AND, i made my very first online comic. I don't know how or when I'll begin posting these - but I am excited. I have so many ideas. No idea what to call it yet, either. ...College Life... may be it. Who knows. So, tonight, either Aspen is coming over to play a bit 'o EQ, I'm going to do homework, or I'll crank out another comic. Unless D can tear himself away from his DVD set - then maybe some snuggly time. But, I think I should let him have his alone time with the DVD series. heheheh
I have some Prodigy blasting from my stereo and I am as hyper and going crrrraaaazy. Techno rocks! Voodoo People - The Prodigy Music For The Jilted G... (1995).
Got home and D talked me into going Skiing. I wasn't really up for it, but since his sister was going, figured I'd go and hang out. But, she had some friends there and one of them used to teach her friends how to ski in Colorado. THANK YOU! She gave me so many pointers and I was swooshing those hills like a pro! Well... mediocre pro... but cool enough for me to go down that one hill that had made me cry the last time I went. I went right down that hill and felt in control. YAY!
It is Fridaytoo! AND, i made my very first online comic. I don't know how or when I'll begin posting these - but I am excited. I have so many ideas. No idea what to call it yet, either. ...College Life... may be it. Who knows. So, tonight, either Aspen is coming over to play a bit 'o EQ, I'm going to do homework, or I'll crank out another comic. Unless D can tear himself away from his DVD set - then maybe some snuggly time. But, I think I should let him have his alone time with the DVD series. heheheh
Thursday, March 03, 2005
hmmmm
Thursday is a nap day!
But, then so is Tuesday.
Sometimes even Wednesday.
hmmmm
I need coffee.
But first, my couch looks extra snuggly. Sleepy time!
But, then so is Tuesday.
Sometimes even Wednesday.
hmmmm
I need coffee.
But first, my couch looks extra snuggly. Sleepy time!
Fewer posts...
... on account of being busy socially and student-wise. So much has been happening, discussed, and mused over.
My last year as an RA is coming to an end this semester. I am enjoying the interaction of other RAs and floor dynamics as much as possible before I have to let it go. I have to say, it was a blast and I feel that it has changed me drastically.
I have been going out an awful lot, lately. One of the more recent times was on Tuesday night with 18 residents. We went to Applebees and took over the whole left side of the restaurant. The best part was the magician! He had these cute foam rabbits (male and female) and stuck them into my hand and when he told me to open my hand, about 8 of them popped up. Absolutely hilarious. Apparently I have "magic hands" hehe
If you notice, I have put some newer comics along my sidebar and added link banners. Trying something new. Another thing new is my hair color. Aspen came over yesterday and helped me out - it was supposed to be dark brown - turned an awesome dark red (mahogany). I do love it though!
My last year as an RA is coming to an end this semester. I am enjoying the interaction of other RAs and floor dynamics as much as possible before I have to let it go. I have to say, it was a blast and I feel that it has changed me drastically.
I have been going out an awful lot, lately. One of the more recent times was on Tuesday night with 18 residents. We went to Applebees and took over the whole left side of the restaurant. The best part was the magician! He had these cute foam rabbits (male and female) and stuck them into my hand and when he told me to open my hand, about 8 of them popped up. Absolutely hilarious. Apparently I have "magic hands" hehe
If you notice, I have put some newer comics along my sidebar and added link banners. Trying something new. Another thing new is my hair color. Aspen came over yesterday and helped me out - it was supposed to be dark brown - turned an awesome dark red (mahogany). I do love it though!
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